Sincerely Yours: A Letter to a Much Older Me

January 26, 2019

Dearest Meliah, 

 

 

I hope you are well, love.

 

 

I'm writing you 50 years in the past,

 

Halfway through 22

 

Sitting on that couch we found on the side of the road, 

 

An arm's length away from my husband playing 2k,

 

In our first apartment --

 

the one with the screaming lady upstairs.

 

where we didn't know anything,

 

didn't have much either,

 

but knew we had each other. 

 

Plus our two cats. 

 

And the seven outside.  

 

 

I wonder what the world looks like.

 

How one half-century

 

-- a life longer than so many--

 

has wrinkled and refined 

 

this little, torn world.

 

 

 

Tell me, love:

 

Do you ever think of me?

 

How foolish I was?

 

Or trivial,

 

Or anxious, maybe?

 

Did I get any of it right?

 

 

 

Tell me, love:

 

Do cars really fly?

 

Did we ever actually build a wall?

 

Do you still pick your lips when you type?

 

How is Michael?

 

I bet he still holds you tight.  

 

I bet he does. 

 

More than you deserve. 

 

And I bet he still says 

 

"stop, stop" 

 

every time he catches you picking. 

 

 

Did you ever end up

 

with that big family,

 

the one you always wanted?

 

Were you able to watch each of them grow up 

 

Older and older 

 

In whatever house

 

You hold the keys to 

 

until it was time

 

for them to grow

 

on their own?

 

 

I bet that was tough. . .

 

Letting them go. 

 

 

Whatever it turns out to be

 

-- to the mama reading this --

 

I'm sure it's best, just the way it is.

 

 

 

But enough with the pleasantries.

 

I am writing you for more than a just few good questions,

 

I want you to know that

 

I've been thinking about you. 

 

I have been thinking that

 

By the time you read this,

 

all the things I am looking forward to

 

Will have passed. 

 

As intended, or otherwise. 

 

And I hope that you did more than just "your best". 

 

 

I hope you learned how to slow down, 

 

to breathe and listen quieter,

 

to say "thank you", 

 

and to stop getting in your own way.  

 

I hope you are closer to God than I could ever imagine. 

 

 

 

 

And I hope you are a good mom,

 

And an even better wife. 

 

I hope you traveled the world

 

and built a bridge 

 

so long,

 

your husband could cross it

 

and be with his family again. 

 

 

 

And I hope you walked it with him.  

 

 

 

I hope you hustled

 

and pursued your dreams, 

 

but also decided that your family  

 

is the dream

 

really coming true. 

 

And I hope you focused

 

On each crazy piece of your family,

 

And looked at them 

 

With Kindness, 

 

Grace, 

 

and

 

Courage. 

 

And then,

 

Taught them how to do it for their families someday. 

 

 

I hope you went back to that place that changed you, 

 

Back to the orphanage

 

where children without parents

 

Had food to eat and a place to sleep, 

 

and could maybe go to school, 

 

but let's be honest,

 

only a few made it that far.

 

 

You remember, 

 

It was dangerous for them to leave 

 

because of how their parents died, 

 

and the gangs-- they circle, screeching

 

waiting for young blood.

 

And besides,

 

to be a student, you needed shoes

 

And those were expensive. 

 

 

 

Just once, at least,  I hope you went,  

 

And I hope, that no matter where you ended up, 

 

You fought for them.

 

I hope that, when you read this, you know exactly what I mean. 

 

 

 

I hope you never forgot the goodness of God, 

 

And I hope He is the first you turn to. 

 

I hope that,

 

no matter what,

 

you are a woman of God 

 

and one that the devil fears. 

 

That you are

 

Good and faithful, 

 

through and through. 

 

 

 

 

. . . I just hope

 

that one day,

 

when I am you,

 

I can be proud

 

of you, of who

 

I have become. 

 

 

 

 

 

Sincerely Yours, 

 

Meliah Apa

January 26, 2019

 

 

 

 

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