Sincerely Yours: A Letter to a Much Older Me

January 26, 2019

Dearest Meliah, 



I hope you are well, love.



I'm writing you 50 years in the past,


Halfway through 22


Sitting on that couch we found on the side of the road, 


An arm's length away from my husband playing 2k,


In our first apartment --


the one with the screaming lady upstairs.


where we didn't know anything,


didn't have much either,


but knew we had each other. 


Plus our two cats. 


And the seven outside.  



I wonder what the world looks like.


How one half-century


-- a life longer than so many--


has wrinkled and refined 


this little, torn world.




Tell me, love:


Do you ever think of me?


How foolish I was?


Or trivial,


Or anxious, maybe?


Did I get any of it right?




Tell me, love:


Do cars really fly?


Did we ever actually build a wall?


Do you still pick your lips when you type?


How is Michael?


I bet he still holds you tight.  


I bet he does. 


More than you deserve. 


And I bet he still says 


"stop, stop" 


every time he catches you picking. 



Did you ever end up


with that big family,


the one you always wanted?


Were you able to watch each of them grow up 


Older and older 


In whatever house


You hold the keys to 


until it was time


for them to grow


on their own?



I bet that was tough. . .


Letting them go. 



Whatever it turns out to be


-- to the mama reading this --


I'm sure it's best, just the way it is.




But enough with the pleasantries.


I am writing you for more than a just few good questions,


I want you to know that


I've been thinking about you. 


I have been thinking that


By the time you read this,


all the things I am looking forward to


Will have passed. 


As intended, or otherwise. 


And I hope that you did more than just "your best". 



I hope you learned how to slow down, 


to breathe and listen quieter,


to say "thank you", 


and to stop getting in your own way.  


I hope you are closer to God than I could ever imagine. 





And I hope you are a good mom,


And an even better wife. 


I hope you traveled the world


and built a bridge 


so long,


your husband could cross it


and be with his family again. 




And I hope you walked it with him.  




I hope you hustled


and pursued your dreams, 


but also decided that your family  


is the dream


really coming true. 


And I hope you focused


On each crazy piece of your family,


And looked at them 


With Kindness, 








And then,


Taught them how to do it for their families someday. 



I hope you went back to that place that changed you, 


Back to the orphanage


where children without parents


Had food to eat and a place to sleep, 


and could maybe go to school, 


but let's be honest,


only a few made it that far.



You remember, 


It was dangerous for them to leave 


because of how their parents died, 


and the gangs-- they circle, screeching


waiting for young blood.


And besides,


to be a student, you needed shoes


And those were expensive. 




Just once, at least,  I hope you went,  


And I hope, that no matter where you ended up, 


You fought for them.


I hope that, when you read this, you know exactly what I mean. 




I hope you never forgot the goodness of God, 


And I hope He is the first you turn to. 


I hope that,


no matter what,


you are a woman of God 


and one that the devil fears. 


That you are


Good and faithful, 


through and through. 





. . . I just hope


that one day,


when I am you,


I can be proud


of you, of who


I have become. 






Sincerely Yours, 


Meliah Apa

January 26, 2019





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