It’s a half a world away
A million hours ago
I thought I knew what I wanted
I thought I knew what I could do
I stood up in front of them
A little bit nervous
You will be the next success story
I said to myself
It’s half a world away
A million hours ago
I don’t know what I want
I don’t know what I can do
I sit on my hands,
Insufficiencies all consuming
“You graduate university in a month--
“You’re getting married”
I say to myself
“Figure it out."
Over the course of 4 years, I have learned that I am a creative, a perfectionist, an INFP, a lover of cats, caffeine and novelty, and that I’m not very good at making friends. I learned that I tend to complicate (almost) everything, while I either dramatize my feelings or nullify them completely. I do not do well in my own mind, and I have been saved by Jesus and a man with grey hairs in a wheely chair who finally figured out what was wrong with me. I found out that I am very good at lying to myself, and I have the kind of ADHD that deals moments of disassociation like they’re drugs on a street corner. I also found out I have depression, generalized anxiety and a touch of PTSD, but not bipolar, which is what a lot of doctors thought for the first couple of years.
I learned that my past has a lot to do with my present, and the way that I trust is the most affected. I have a good work ethic, a developing passion for business and I like design a lot—even if I haven’t got it all figured out yet. I like to be busy and for others to know that I am, probably to the point that it’s unhealthy. I am so ready to settle down too, with the love of my life, four cats and a dog. My passion for storytelling runs deep, and I want to be good at across every platform.
Within a week, I helped police catch a drug dealer and was tricked by con-woman (who was also my coworker). I traveled alot, I sat in front of a computer even more, I transferred schools and worked a lot of I’m-a-broke-college-kid-give-me-anything jobs. I cleaned a lot of toilets, and saw a lot of... stuff (that makes me never want to stay in another hotel room).
But over the course of 4 years, I also found out that here, in this life, I am in charge of my home. The people I surround myself with and the feelings the good ones give me are my home. No matter where I end up in my life, no matter what four walls and a roof I leave behind, the people and the memories I make along the way what makes a place a home, not a building.
I found out that life is a little like the board game Clue. As you make your way through every experience, you will encounter people who may or may not carry the clues you need. These clues are nuggets of truth, or lessons that you can learn from their life experience. They can be given freely, tampered with or held close to the chest, but it is in these moments, you decide if this person has a clue valuable enough to continue to influence your world. Every person is valuable, don’t get me wrong, but that doesn’t mean you don’t get to choose who’s in your corner. If the person that’s in front of you has a clue that’s valuable and precious (let it be a lesson you can learn, or a heart that you can admire), stick around to see what’s next. But if not, it’s okay to move on, and it’s possible to do so without burning bridges.
I have also been given the gift of a boy I never saw coming. Because even when he could have walked away, he stuck with me and allow me to see his brokenness, too. This boy became the unshakeable man that's half of me now, and somehow, I get to be the one who loves on him for the rest of my life.
And these are the feelings no one warns you about. For awhile, I thought that all could have been prevented, if only someone warned me. I could have prepared myself --or something. But truth of the matter is, no knows how much you'll learn, how much you'll cry or how many time's you'll be at a loss. Because they aren't you. And this isn't they're story.
How this is all boils down to these last 30-something days and the world's craziest summer, I have no idea. But we are on these journeys because the testimonies that come from such different stories are powerful and irreplaceable. Keep your head up, kid. We got this.
Here we go :)